Finding Healing During a Severe OCD Episode

Emily Prizer is an up-and-coming author who utilized the power of poetry to find healing after being diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) during postpartum with her third child.

A BYPRODUCT OF DESPERATION
MOTIVATED BY TRIBULATION
MY GOD THE SOURCE OF RESTORATION

ANGUISH CAN BRING AWAKENING
A HOPE DEEPENING
AS THE SECURITY OF THE WORLD FALLS BEHIND
THE ETERNAL IS WHERE I SET MY EYES
THERE WAS NO DUTY OR OBLIGATION
BUT AN OVERFLOW OF SUPPLICATION 

WHERE FEAR SEEMS TO HAVE THE FINAL SAY
WHERE SADNESS TAKES OUR BREATH AWAY
WE WILL TRAVEL FAR AND WIDE
TO FIND THE WELL THAT NEVER RUNS DRY

GOD’S IRREVOCABLE ASSURANCES WE RECALL
AS WE LIVE IN A WORLD WEARY FROM THE FALL 

TO KNOW A LOVE NO MAN COULD GIVE
TO FIND A WAY A DEAD MAN LIVES

A GOD, WHO TOOK NO EASY ROAD
HIS BROKEN BODY, POWER OVERFLOWED
VINDICATOR OF ALL THINGS
OVERCOMING EVERY DOMINION AND AUTHORITY
CURING THE EARTH OF ITS PLAGUING 
RECLAIMING ALL THAT LIES UNDER ITS BREAKING
ONLY THE ONE TRUE GOD BRINGS SATISFACTION
AS HE UNITES AND REDEEMS EVERY DISTORTED FACTION

PRAISE OUR GOD!
THAT HE CAN REDEEM EVEN THE RAIN
ONCE A TOOL TO DESTROY, NOW IT SUSTAINS
JESUS, OUR LIVING WATER, FOR US HE CAME
TO WET OUR PARCHED LIPS
SATISFY OUR TIRED HEARTS
IGNITE HOPE AS HE SETS HIS CHILDREN APART
HIS SPIRIT HE PROVIDES
TO COMFORT AND HELP US FIGHT THE LIES
HIS EVERLASTING PROTECTION HE SUPPLIES
LIKE A LOVING SHEPHERD, HE WILL GUIDE 
TO RESTFUL WATERS EVER SO STILL
BUT FATHER, WHY ARE MY THOUGHTS STILL FILLED WITH FEAR?

JESUS, HELP ME IN MY ANXIETY
COME HOLY SPIRIT BE KIND TO ME
THOUGH GREEN PASTURES SEEM OUT OF REACH
HIS PERMANENT OATH, HE WILL KEEP
NEAR TO THE HURTING, SUFFERING AND BROKEN
HIS NEW COVENANT, A BETTER WORD, HE HAS SPOKEN
AS UNCERTAINTIES SWIRL AND QUESTIONS SURROUND
LET ME REMEMBER, IN CHRIST I’M FOUND
HELP ME REST IN YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW
 
COVERED BY HIM
SHELTERED FROM HIS WRATH
COMFORTED BY HIS ROD AND HIS STAFF

OUR NEEDS ABOUND
OUR DEPENDENCE IS CLEAR
CHRIST IS OUR HOPE IN THE MIDST OF OUR FEAR

IT’S GOD’S PROMISE THAT MAKES US BRAVE
THROUGH OUR FEAR IS AN EMPTY GRAVE
OUR SECRET FOR PEACE IN ABUNDANCE AND NEED
THE SEED AND ROOT OF DAVID HAS SET US FREE
 
WHEN LIFE SWIRLS AROUND WITH ALL THAT’S UNCERTAIN
WE, HIS PEOPLE, LOOK TO HIM WHO’S PERPETUALLY CERTAIN
WE GAINED THE GIFT TO SEE BEHIND THE CURTAIN 
WHEN FORGIVENESS OF MANKIND BECAME CHRIST’S ASSERTION
THE LORD IS GOOD
DEATH HE WITHSTOOD
SO LET US REMEMBER HIS WORD SECURED
AND JUST AS HIS ANCIENT PEOPLE, STAND ASSURED

REASSURED THAT GOD SEES AND KNOWS OF EVERY TEAR
HIS COVENANT OF DELIVERANCE IS THE SHIELD IN OUR FEAR
WHEN THE DAY AHEAD FEELS IMPOSSIBLE TO FACE
HE IS OUR REFUGE, OUR HIDING PLACE
HE’S OUR STRENGTH WHEN WE FALL ON OUR KNEES
HE’S OUR SHADE IN SCORCHING HEAT
JESUS IS THE WELL IN WHICH WE FIND RELIEF

REMEMBER, GOD’S PLAN IS FOR SUFFERING’S DEPLETION
THE WORLD HE WILL RESTORE TO ITS COMPLETION
HIS PROMISES AND WORD, OUR HOPE WITHIN
HIS MERCY WOVEN THROUGH EVERY GENERATION
OUR FEARS HE WILL ONE DAY ETERNALLY END 
HIS COVENANT OF PEACE FULFILLED THEREIN
THE MESSIAH CAME TO CONQUER DEATH AND WIN

In August of 2022, I remember that very moment when a specific, disturbing and unwanted thought entered my head. 

What began as a simple whisper in my mind only grew louder and louder, transforming this thought into a crippling fear, which ultimately led to perpetual panic. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t separate myself from or logically discount these intrusive thoughts as unrealistic. It became all-consuming, and shame quickly entered my heart for the fact that these thoughts even existed. 

The compulsions in my hands were terrifying. My mind and my heart were so opposed to each other that it felt like torture; and the more I tried to avoid my thoughts, the more my fears increased. I felt stuck in an endless thought loop. 

Whatever “this” was, it felt like a thief. I had little capacity to function. Blake, my husband, picked up all the household chores, and my parents came to help. We immediately tried to lessen the responsibilities and stress in my life while putting the pieces together regarding what was going on and how I could get help. 

Interestingly, nothing in my life had drastically changed. There was no grief or stark circumstance in my past or present that we could point to as a cause. I had a loving and faith-filled family who could tell story after story of how God’s love has shaped our family through the generations. My childhood was beautiful and my spiritual testimony was miraculously “boring.” I have a naturally “bubbly” disposition, a beautiful marriage, three children I love with all my heart and a dog (I tolerate). I loved and trusted God with everything in me and I remember as a child the innocent, exact moment I felt the Holy Spirit draw me to a saving faith in him. I bring attention to show that there was only one explanation: There was a glitch in the make-up of my brain. It didn’t make sense.  

Before and even through this season marked with suffering, God was already drawing us to our neighbors, Oscar and Janine. On the day my parents came to help, Blake, had to pick them up from the airport. Knowing he couldn’t leave me alone, Blake walked me over to Oscar and Janine’s home. They were already becoming some of our closest and beloved friends as we had spent hours over the last year in our driveway laughing, chatting, getting to know each other, as well as answering their questions about God. 

When Janine opened the door, looking at me she knew immediately something was wrong as my strength evaporated and I fell into her arms. My two other friends, Kari and Carlye, met us at her home. This was the first time Janine had met these close friends of mine from church. 

Outside of telling Blake and my parents, this was the first time I shared the contents of my OCD thoughts. I told them every fearful and dark thought through my tears. And they stayed. They listened. They held me. 

They were quick to tell me what was true of Jesus and true of me: That I was a sufferer in this broken world and in him we are safe and secure in his hands; that nothing can separate me from the love of God; that he is with me and will never leave me or forsake me; that he delights in me; that because of what Christ has done on the cross, the darkness WILL NOT WIN.

Those words and promises were balm to my soul. This entire time while Kari and Carlye were comforting me, Janine was sitting right next to me rubbing my back, listening to all of these beautiful promises of God. She was observing the love of God and his church in action at my very lowest moment.

Quickly after this happened, Janine told me that what she witnessed was, in fact, remarkable. She confided that she wasn’t sure if she had a friendship where she felt safe enough to be quite that vulnerable. 

Over the days and months to follow, the love of Christ was palpable from the men and women in our church. The long list of names that comes to mind reveals the beauty and necessity of a perfectly imperfect church. We stand forgiven in Jesus’ righteousness together; when we don’t have the strength to even stand, we lift each other up off our knees. 

I cannot emphasize this enough: Without the care, love and grace shown to me by my community, I would have surely fallen further into a deeper and scarier place. I would have crumbled, and the shame would have swallowed me whole. 

I had nothing to give and offer them, yet they gave. They gave of their time, resources, food, availability, comfort, guidance, empathy, compassion, grace and prayers. They gave so much and for so long that at one point I said, “I’m just ready to give and not receive!” I would like to think I said that out of an increased generosity, but I absolutely said it out of self-interest. It’s so much more fun to give, isn’t it?  

For as one gives from a place of strength, one has to receive from a place of weakness. I was tired of feeling weak. No one likes to sit there for too terribly long. The lies of “I’m a burden,” “I should be able to do this on my own,” or “I should be over this by now” subtly would seep in. But this group of people continually and quite often dispelled those lies and offered me the assurance I needed. 

Friends, remember that God brings glory to his name from his people, through his people and for his people. Ironically, God used these events, like my severe OCD episode, to show Janine and Oscar the love of Christ displayed through his church and ultimately to a saving faith in him.