My faith story is unlike many that you’ll hear. It’s “backwards” in many ways.
I say this because, typically, a testimony will involve what a person’s life was like before encountering Jesus, how their life changed afterward and how God is using them now. (I’ve been attending Celebrate Recovery for 15 years now and have listened to hundreds and hundreds of testimonies.)
I honestly don’t remember what life was like before Jesus. I asked Jesus to be my savior upstairs in my room when I was seven years old and it’s literally one of the earliest memories I have. My mother and stepfather raised me in a Christian environment, so faith was a big part of my life from the start, and I was heavily involved in the church through high school.
But sometimes, God allows brokenness in our lives, even after we’ve turned to him. That’s what happened to me. I experienced several incidents throughout my childhood that built up a stronghold of rejection that took nearly 20 years to demolish. For instance:
These incidents may not seem like a big deal to others, but they were to me. They killed my spirit, piece by piece. And death by a thousand cuts ends the same as death by a single blow.
When I turned 21, I began to turn to alcohol to numb the wound of rejection. I battled it for more than a decade, and it got to the point where wine and beer were like water to me. Alcohol no longer helped me escape; it was simply a way for me to function.
Even after attempting to break free from it, I couldn’t. You might as well have called me “Mr. Relapse,” because that was my pattern. I was unable to stay sober for more than seven to ten days.
And I didn’t understand why God allowed this to happen. I heard testimony after testimony of people who left alcohol “on a dime” and was frustrated that I couldn’t do the same. I desired sobriety! So why wasn’t God giving it to me?
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t really addressing my deep wounds. I was fighting the symptoms instead.
Fast-forward to 2021 when I fasted for the first time in my life, praying for breakthrough specifically in this area of addiction. It got worse before it got better, but that breakthrough finally arrived six months later on Saturday, June 19.
As I’ve shared before, God gave me a message that day: “You will help some today and you will help thousands tomorrow.” At the same time, he gave me perspective on my past wounds and showed me how he was going to use all of the struggles, heartaches and rejection I experienced to encourage others.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
God used the areas where I felt like a failure and called me a champion instead. Today, I am breaking generational curses in the areas of alcoholism (my father was an alcoholic and his father was, too), marriage (my father has been married and divorced five times) and family bonds (I am estranged from my mother and she was estranged from her parents).
I can relate all of this to a specific quote from my favorite movie trilogy of all time, “The Lord of the Rings.” In the first film, "The Fellowship of the Ring," Frodo and Gandalf have the following exchange:
“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. "So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
I couldn’t do anything about my past wounds or struggles with addiction. But I could make better decisions moving forward. I may not be able to take back mistakes, but I can redeem them with how I live my life and the future decisions I make.
That means I don’t avoid my weaknesses and struggles. I embrace them. And I have an invaluable perspective to offer those struggling with similar issues, because I’ve been there. I’ve lived in that brokenness.
We can’t control what happens to us, but we can control our response. If you’re waiting for your breakthrough moment, keep trusting God. He will give it to you in his perfect timing.