You may not know this about me, but the song “Maybe It’s Ok” by the band We Are Messengers is one of my go-to tracks when I’m feeling down.
I love it because it turns my attention toward God, of course. But it also has a unique theme, as the lyrics talk about how we can appreciate the good things in life because of the bad things. For example, would you really know what it’s like to be whole if you’ve never been broken? Or would you really appreciate the joy of acceptance if you’ve never been rejected?
There are few areas in life where this is as prevalent as it is with relationships.
Whether with a parent, child, sibling, friend, co-worker, extended family or friends, relationships can bring us incredible joy. But they can also become strained, controlling and even toxic, making you question whether you should keep that relationship in your life or not.
As we continue our theme of developing healthy habits of surrender this summer, let’s discuss what it means to surrender a relationship to God, and five tips for how to do that as the Holy Spirit leads you.
What Does it Mean to Surrender a Relationship?
First, what does it even mean to “surrender” a relationship? This is a very “Christian” word, so you might be unaware of it if you’re new to the faith or simply haven’t taken the time to look it up. What we’re talking about here is letting go of your desire to control the outcome of a relationship and instead trusting God to lead, guide and shape that relationship for His glory.
We don’t need to give up on people, but rather “give” them to God. We’re basically praying, “Lord, I trust you to handle this relationship more than I trust myself to handle it.”
Now before you start crossing names off your list, it’s important to do this properly and ask God to guide you. Give it time. Reflect. Pray. Fast. Seek the Holy Spirit. Then once you feel at peace about the relationships you need to surrender, here are some tips for doing so:
Pray often. Be honest and bold before God, telling him what you need and where you’re struggling. Ask for strength to let them go and trust him instead. This can be especially difficult when you’re dealing with a family member. It feels wrong to give up on someone, but giving them to God isn’t giving up, it’s realizing that you’re not in control, God is and he can bring peace and restoration better than any human.
Reflect internally. Sometimes, our own pride, fear or desire for control can be the reason to surrender a relationship. Ask God to search your heart (Psalms 139:23-24). Is this relationship taking God’s place? If it’s giving you what God wants to give you – identity, purpose, security – ask God to help you look to him for those things instead.
Seek advice. Talk to a pastor, accountability partner, counselor or trusted spiritual mentor to discern what surrender looks like in your specific situation (and to offer support). They can be especially great for any closure texts or emails you send.
Create boundaries. You don’t always have to cut someone off to surrender them. But you might need to set boundaries to protect your heart and create space for God to work. For me, I had to stop contacting members of my immediate family who were negatively influencing my spiritual growth and recovery journey. I’m open to reconciling with them in the future, but this time of surrender was crucial for me and my family.
Trust God. At the end of the day, God is good. And whether he restores, redefines or removes the relationships you’re thinking about, you can trust that his plan is better than ours. Let’s live with open hands rather than clenched fists.
Surrender is a moment-by-moment process sometimes, but it’s something we can work on for the rest of our lives (if you want some real-life examples, check out our Surrender watchlist!).