Great, now that we’ve got that settled: I was talking to myself, trying to comfort myself because of a recent situation I find myself in, where yet another person I was romantically interested in decided he wanted nothing but friendship.
This has been happening, without fail, every time I have a crush for the past 23 years. It’s a little tiring at this point, and I can tell you exactly what sort of thoughts go through my mind every single time, without fail.
I long for someone I can spend a lot of time with, someone who won’t get tired of my presence or feel the need for space from me.
There’s the heartbreak, the immediate pain, and sense of loss.
There are the tears, the ones that fall fast and heavy, that wrack my body as I try to sleep.
There’s the fear, followed swiftly by certainty, that I’ll never find love, that I’ll be alone forever.
And there’s the anger, fierce and sudden, at men, at me, at God, because I hate this loneliness that follows me everywhere.
Being single is hard when you crave relationship. I’m the kind of person who needs other people — desperately, fiercely, urgently. I’m an extrovert whose main love language is quality time, so if I’m not with people I don’t think our relationship is growing.
I long for someone I can spend a lot of time with, someone who won’t get tired of my presence or feel the need for space from me.
I know, I really do, that God is this person, this being who loves me and is with me all the time. I still believe his love is the greatest romance.
But.
I long for a human romance. And every time I think I’ve found that person only for them to walk away — it breaks my heart a little bit.
So I was having this pretend conversation, and I found myself thinking words that I know with certainty did not come from me.
If it didn’t work out with this person, I heard myself saying to the imaginary friend as I prepared my coffee, it just means God has something better.
But what if God wants me to be alone?
The imaginary friend, who was really me, responded in a pleading and plaintive tone: But what if God wants me to be alone?
And before being fully hit by the weight of this revelation, I answered: Then being alone is the very best; then being alone is something better.
I think I came to a full stop in the middle of the kitchen, halfway through getting my coffee ready. The weight of my words slowly sunk in on my shoulders and filled my mind. I say “my” words, but I know they had nothing to do with me; they did not come from me at all.
If I never find a human to love me, a man to cherish me, hold me tight, whisper sweet nothings in my ear and want to spend all his time with me — that means that I’ll do better alone. Well, not alone; it means I’ll do better winging it with just me and God.
That means that God has searched this earth and discovered that there is nothing better for me than being single.
Now, of course I’m tempted to take this as an insult, to say there’s something wrong with me if the best thing for me is singlehood.
But I’m choosing not to interpret it that way, because I know in my heart that’s flawed. Here’s how I’m choosing to interpret it: God knows exactly what my heart and soul need. He knows how I will function best, he knows in what situations I will be able to best use my gifts to bring Him glory. And yes, he knows best what situation will bring me joy.
So if I never find a man to marry, that means that God knows that it wouldn’t work out, or at least not as well as being single.
If this is what happens and God’s best for me is to fly solo, that doesn't mean it won't always be easy. Because my desire to be loved is greater than all my other desires except one: to be a successful, well-known, published author.
But maybe, just maybe, God knows that those two won’t be compatible in my life, and he has something better.
These last few paragraphs are just speculation; I realize that I’m young and I could meet the man I’m supposed to marry today, tomorrow, in 10 years or even 20. It could happen whenever, and I might still be able to achieve my dreams with a husband. I kind of hope that’s the case.
But if it’s not, that’s OK. Because today God spoke to me, gently and in my own words, to tell me that He knows what’s best, He has it on his heart, and He will work it out.
Whatever you’re longing for, God knows whether or not it’s going to be the best thing.
Whatever you’re longing for, God knows whether or not it’s going to be the best thing. And if it’s not, He’s going to withhold it. But He will give you something better.
Don’t believe me? Here: Proverbs 19:21. Proverbs 16:9. Psalm 138:8. Actually, you know what, just go here. Read it in God’s own words, cherish them, hold them to your heart.
Know that He has something better for you.
Karis is a grad student at NYU in New York City. Her writing has appeared online with Seventeen as well as Good Housekeeping. She blogs at karisrogerson.com. To stay informed about all her writing, sign up here.
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